Friday and Saturday - September 13 and 14:
Everyone of us has weaknesses. Bigger or smaller ones. My biggest weakness is (or was) that I have always taken everything too serious, let it get too deep into my heart and overthought things too much. Besides from that I can become very paranoid when it comes to people I love no matter if I know them from the internet or in real. All are equal for me so all get the same amount of my endless love.
On Friday I have had a little conversation with someone who is (or was?) one of the most special people in my life. We have been through good and hard times but we have always found a way. But this time? He asked me why I am so paranoid. Well... to be honest I didn't know myself but deep in my heart I did and I have realized and admitted it to myself when I talked to my brother. - I am proud to say that he is the best brother a little sister could wish for and I wouldn't change him for the world. We do fight at times to but we always support each other so check him out. - He told me that I have to find the roots of this paranoia and I did. I started very early: I have always been jealous of a so called "third person" that stepped into my friendship or other kind of relationship with a person. I was jealous and feared to lose that person because of the third one and started to act weird maybe which had negative consequences. Realizing that problem I have talked to a friend of mine and my brother (male) whom I told in which state I am. He said I have made myself dependent on my friend and am unsure about myself. In church my soul father told me on Saturday that I take everythinng serious because I am not grown yet.
Realizing all this I have distracted myself away from the computer. I have watched sitcoms and series, played games, learned for my exam, etc. and always if I had negative feelings concerning my special person I took deep breaths to calm down.
Monday - September 16:
The experimental game "Youth in the Parliament" took place in the town hall of Hamburg for the 19th time. This project is supposed to strengthen the young people's interest in politics. Last year I have participated (students, pupils, trainees, etc. take part and make politics just like the real politicians) and this year I was helping and taking care of one of the groups which I have closed into my heart. My friend was a helper too and we have made many new friends. I have worn a royal blue blazer on Monday and wore it in the "rainy day"-version of my "accessory of the month"-look.
On Monday I have noticed that I didn't have any negative feelings about the special person anymore. But you shouldn't praise the day before the night so I have observed it the next days.
Tuesday - Sep. 17
I was very nervous on that day because of the interview I have had at the end of the day but it went all well. A funny highlight was that because of my classic blazer look the young people used a formal address towards me because they nodded shyly when I have asked them if I look older than 20. (One guessed me 25). So let's say I didn't even have time for negative feelings. But I have called my bestie to let her know about it. She was very proud of me and noticed the change especially because I have admitted my jealousy which not everyone is able to do. She said that she will support me in any case.
As celebration we have finished the day with a little shopping tour. I have bought an a little bit different blazer with my gift card from the one I have planned to buy. But the one I bought looks more like Catherine's / Amanda's blazer.
I have noticed that I was on the right way and I felt the strength and motivation but moreover I felt independent. To seem more youthful I have awaken the "get fly"-look I have already introduced you again.
I have also made a little joke and said I will bring a tin the next day and everyone who talks to me in the formal form will have to pay in 20 cents. ;)
Thursday - Sep. 19th
I have had too much fun with my (new) friends in the town hall, we were being so crazy and funny and messed around, simply dreamlike - instead of working, well almost all the work was done.
In the evening I broke down in tears of joy because I have felt the success and so many positive feelings when I skyped with my other bestie who actually motivated me to talk to my special person again. I couldn't. I was afraid he would not believe that I have changed and the whole thing with the self-therapy that's why I needed time. Also because I thought if I survive a week like this I can for a longer period.
Sadly we couldn't manage to make a picture of my complete outfit so here is the top part. On the bottom I have worn my Hilfigher slippers and my waist-jeans from New Look.
I wasn't sure if my four boys whom I was surrounded by would have liked to appear here so I have cropped only my part.
Friday - Sep. 20th
So here we are. I have been exciting talking to him all the time but would I have if I knew how it ended? Do you know the feeling loving or liking a person so much that you are afraid to lose him/her? Does that mean you are obsessed with that person and not healthy at all? Well in the end I guess I did lose him. He doesn't want the contact with me anymore because he doesn't believe in me, he doesn't want to restart and he can't trust me. I felt very miserable and was happy my friend was there to comfort me and all my other friends afterwards.
I have distracted myself again and take breathing exercizes. I am still a little shattered but I did not break and I am not planning to. I will stay strong and keep on believing. The manicure I went to was also very agreeable but more about it tomorrow.
I'm sorry this blog entry is so long. Tomorrow all about the manicure.
Xoxo ♥ Johanna